When Universities Have Recalls
Commencement addresses might get interesting.
After Kermit the Frog has delivered the University of Maryland’s 2025 commencement address and no one who had paid for four years of inflated tuition objected to seeing their work honored via advice from a Muppet, then who’s to say what commencement ceremonies will have in the future?
American universities have had a good run of getting away with things that make the average citizen cringe or snarl, but the glory days of the campus sanctuary appear to be ending. We may not be far from the following commencement address:
“Good morning! As the president of this fine institution, I want to welcome all of you to our commencement ceremony. It is indeed a pleasure to see everyone, especially those who have arrived with close relatives and friends so they can witness the awarding of a document for which you, our treasured students, have worked so hard: the coveted diplomas in your respective areas of study.
“At the start of this important ceremony, I need to make a brief and unusual announcement. If you are getting a degree in subjects such as mathematics, business administration, engineering, science, chemistry, astronomy, biology, geology, botany, zoology, agriculture and the like, you will, in fact, be receiving your diplomas today. Yes, yes, by all means, let’s give you some early applause!
“On the other hand, if you have earned degrees in subjects such as history, political science, psychology, sociology, anthropology, victim studies, literature, and the creative arts, you will be receiving a special temporary diploma today.
“Perhaps the best way of putting it is you will get a reservation for a diploma. A coveted reservation to be sure, but a reservation, nonetheless.
“I can tell from that sea of diverse expressions out there that many of you are still wondering what I mean. Well, just as even the best automobile companies occasionally have to recall vehicles due to some minor defect, we are now obligated to delay awarding diplomas in areas of study that allegedly lack robust viewpoint diversity or which, shall I say, have had unique problems in execution.
“That decision, of course, was not up to us. If the matter were strictly ours, each of you would be going from here with your diploma in hand, possibly to the nearest bar. But the decision was driven from without. We wish it had not been so. In fact, our eyes are wide with envy for our Ivy League colleagues who have private control, enormous endowments, and the financial independence to tell outside politically driven meddlers to pound sand.
“The root cause of our problem is an off-campus alliance that was forged between the Board of Regents, some reactionary taxpayers, and the tight-fisted state legislature. Their alliance alleges that an academic department with severe gaps in viewpoint diversity is not a genuine academic department but instead is an indoctrination machine.
“In some other instances, they also have taken the rather simplistic view that class and major titles have been a misleading bait-and-switch operation where old class titles are used to hide new agenda-driven teaching. They expect a class about Shakespeare to be about Shakespeare without a heavy exploration of what we call important ancillary issues, such as racism, sexism, and homophobia. As you might suspect, these critics are not intellectually driven people who enjoy exploring the nuances of life. More on that later.
“For now, let me note that today’s diploma delays are not unprecedented. Some of you may recollect that law diplomas were postponed last year because a controversial speaker at our law school was disrupted by an idealistic cadre of our law students and even a few faculty members. The diploma delay permitted our provisional law graduates to obtain additional instruction on the First Amendment’s freedom of expression. The subject appeared to be a mystery to many of them. We’re still exploring why.
“We did not realize at the time that our noble-minded compromise was blood in the water for our critics. No sooner was the law school matter resolved, aside from some ongoing litigation, than the external alliance began to explore our other schools and departments. Unfortunately, our critics found some practices which they deemed transgressions.
“For many years, the university administration has assumed that a significant lack of viewpoint diversity in departments like sociology, philosophy, history, and political science is the natural order of things and an unimportant disparity. Progressive-minded individuals often seek a career of intellectual inquiry while those of a non-progressive bent naturally drift toward less challenging endeavors, such as farming, auto mechanics, business, and the military. Why seek out diverse and often mistaken viewpoints when we have already reached agreement on what’s reasonable and what’s right?
“Our faculty, I’m glad to say, has, with the exception of a few mavericks, vigorously agreed with us and yet, most unfortunately, there are some rather influential people in the community and the state who regard an ideological monopoly as discriminatory and unprofessional.
“But do not fear. Every complaint has been an opportunity to learn. After all, what is a university without learning opportunities?
“We’ve learned, for example, that instruction in English Literature should involve the actual reading of English Literature and not simply an analysis of the numerous sins of England’s authors. The same goes for American Literature.
“We’ve learned from the lawyers that our academic departments should avoid posting confessions of systemic racism on their webpages before investigating whether they are in fact guilty of systemic racism.
“We’ve been surprised by the revelation that not everyone regards gratuitous admissions of racism to be an admirable habit, indeed not every person of color wants to attend a university that, however delicately and incrementally, describes itself as a racist hellhole. Many of those same students also do not appreciate being labeled and treated as a victim. They expect achievements to be objectively earned and not delivered via some compensatory formula.
“And so that brings us to today. As we seek to correct the deficiencies, however imaginary they may be, we are filled with hope and joy for the morrow. Let us give special honor to those who will be getting a leather diploma holder today with an actual diploma inside.
“But let us also honor those of you who, having thought yourselves free of our pleasant company, will be returning to campus, much as a car is taken back to the shop. As you have often heard me say, one of the secrets of life is that you are a perpetual student.
“Good luck and congratulations to all, but remember, we’ll be seeing many of you soon!”
[Remarks followed by stunned silence.]